Reframing Rejection

Episode 12 : The sh*t they should have taught us in school

Reframing Rejection

[00:00:00] When I was going through my depression. I remember a moment in time when someone refused a request of mine. It wasn’t a large request. In fact. It was as innocent as if I were to ask somebody if they wanted some of my friend tries and they said, no.

Some people might look at this situation and think no big deal. In fact, most people would look at this situation and think no big deal. Unfortunately, I was not one of those people. My body reacted in a way that was all too familiar at that point in my life. Danger. My chest would tighten and I would start to panic and I started to recognize this emotional reaction with every, no that I got.

The feeling of rejection is a heavy emotion. It’s one we all aim to avoid. But the challenge is that with anything that we

[00:01:00] might desire or dream comes the chance that we might be rejected. A new idea, a pitch. A new job, a lover. The opportunity for rejection is everywhere. And it is within this fear that we sometimes hold back for going after what we really want or showing up as who we truly are.

In this episode, I’m going to be talking about rejection and what it is, why it can feel so heavy and hard to work through and how to reframe it to start helping you move towards your goals. This is the shit they should have taught us in school.

 So what is rejection? The dictionary defines rejection as the dismissing or refusal of a proposal or an idea. Now, maybe it’s just me, but that is not what I think of when I think of the word rejection. Instead. I think of things like shame, disappointment

[00:02:00] being left out, being ignored, abandonment.

And I started asking other people to what they thought of when they heard of the word rejection. And words like discarded, not enough failure, fear, shame. These words seem to be far off from their dictionary definition of rejection. And people even would comment how they knew that they weren’t the same.

And yet there was that association that they had built.

Where did this come from? Why is rejection such a difficult emotion? Why do our definitions or experiences feel so much more complex than how we use to define it as a word? If we think of the instances when we’re feeling rejection, what are the patterns.

My level of sensitivity to rejection was high. Any, no I personally felt rejected. Do you want to hang out with me sometime? No rejection.

[00:03:00] Do you want to work together? No rejection. Do you want to go out with me? No. Rejection. Do you want some of my friend tries. No. Rejection. You look cold. Can I get you a sweater?

No. Rejection.

The interesting thing was that when I remove myself from the equation, But still have the same answer. Still have the same, NO the weight, the heaviness. It wasn’t there anymore. Do you want to hang out with Tom? No. Okay. Do you want to work with Rudy? No. Okay. Do you want to go out with Maggie?

No. Okay. Do you want some of Mark’s French fries? No. Okay. And you look cold. Do you want Justin sweater? No.

[00:04:00] Okay. So it wasn’t the no itself that I was reacting to. What was the difference? And then it hit me. In moments where we fear rejection, we don’t fear the no. We fear what that know means about us and who we are as humans.

I was attaching other people’s responses to my own self worth. And I became so good at it. So practiced that every, no, even the ones that belonged to French fries and sweaters had a point system that calculated the value to who I was.

And in reality, that is the rejection people look to avoid. Most people don’t look to avoid every single no that comes their way. Unless, of course you’ve wandered down the same rabbit hole I once did. But they do avoid the no’s or the losses that they believe are attached to their identity that they believe are attached to who they are.[00:05:00]

We fight to avoid the rejection that is attached to the loss of part of our identity. Like a failed relationship or the loss of a job. Or. There’s the rejection that is attached to the fear of failure.

And the fear of this rejection causes us to stay comfortable in situations that we are familiar with, because it is more comfortable than risking what we know.

When we decide to pass on applying for a dream job or when we don’t put in any real effort, when we’ve met somebody that we like and see potential with. Because. If we don’t risk it and nothing changes. We are who we are. We’re comfortable. But if we do risk it. And it doesn’t work out. Well, what does that mean about who we are?

The fear of rejection [00:06:00] can come in many forms, but it is often hiding in the areas of our life where we want to belong. The areas of life, we have assigned a value to.

trina: So, how do you reframe rejection? How do you look at the concept of being rejected as something to appreciate, rather than fear? And there are three things that you need to do.

One. Understand your rules. Yes rules. Rules are another word for boundaries. Remember we don’t all experience rejection the same way. I was feeling personally rejected when I would offer someone some of my French fries and they would say no for Christ’s sake.

My rule was no. Equals rejection. Any, no.

So when does the fear of rejection show up for you? What does it feel like in your body? [00:07:00] What is the cause?

Do you feel rejected if someone says no to you? If so, in what context, like I said, most people don’t feel rejection with every, no that they get. Is it in relationships? Is it to do with money? Is it to do with favors? The more specific you can get about when you are experiencing rejection and the rules that come with it, the easier it is

going to be for you to set boundaries. And it’s also going to be able to help you navigate how you can rewire this in the future.

Two. You got to change the meaning. Let’s face it. You can’t control the world. I know it is a hard truth to swallow and one that I fought for a very long time. But once you accept this fact, the world becomes a lot easier to deal with. You can’t control the world, but you can control the meanings that live inside of it. And you can control [00:08:00] you.

The meanings, the stories that we attached to our experience shape our life. They have real power. Most of the time we walk through our lives and react to the world around us without paying attention to what those reactions really mean. But we are the narrator of our own story. And if you don’t like how the story is unfolding, you need to take control and write a new ending.

Remember, you can either be the hero. Or the victim. But you can’t be both. I couldn’t hear the word. No, without personally feeling rejected. I was deep in people, pleasing strategies. And essentially I gave away my entire value to appease others until I couldn’t do it anymore. Until I couldn’t be the victim anymore.

With the simpler situation, like French fries and sweaters. I started conditioning myself to understand that people are allowed to have opinions that have nothing to do with me. Wild [00:09:00] right. If they didn’t want my French fries, maybe they weren’t hungry. Maybe they didn’t like French fries. Maybe they were crazy.

But none of these scenarios had to do with it being about me and my worth. With the more complex scenarios. I found something recently that has been an absolute game changer for me. And it is this. Rejection is clarity. And clarity. Is power. When our ideas, our thoughts are rejected. It’s easy to take that experience and direct it inward, but rejection is simply an answer and all answers, even the ones that we don’t like, give us clarity on where we are going.

Or are on where we are not. A no, can be just as valuable as a yes. People are allowed to say no to your French fries, just like they’re allowed to say no to whatever you are offering. And in both instances, it has nothing to do with how valuable you are as a person. [00:10:00]

Change the meaning of rejection, rewrite your rules and then condition and practice those new beliefs over and over again. If you feel rejected every time you hear the word, no. Get yourself in front of as many nos as you can while reassuring yourself that those nos don’t equate to the value of who you are.

If you feel rejected and dating start going on as many dates as you can while reassuring yourself that every rejection is just clarification, that it’s not the right match for you. If you feel rejected when going for a job or a goal, use that information to help you understand what skills you need to acquire or a new path you might want to take.

Don’t make it about the goal, make it about who you need to become to achieve the goal. Become so good at rejection that it excites you to know that it is an answer. It might not be the answer you wanted, but answers provide clarity and clarity is [00:11:00] power. Reassure yourself that every rejection you face doesn’t appreciate your worth, but it increases.

Because it makes you stronger.

You don’t need to use my reframe. You can make one up that suits you and your needs, but when you can start to reframe rejection in a way that serves you, instead of hinders you, you will no longer be controlled by it. And when you practice this, you start to reduce the fear.

The last thing is you need to know your worth. The reality behind rejection and how it affects you is that it plays a larger part in how you see yourself. If you are affected by the dismissing or refusal of a proposal or an idea that you had, chances are you’re making the dismissal or refusal more about yourself and less about the actual proposal or idea.

I want you to think. How much self-confidence or worth would someone have to have. In order to feel [00:12:00] rejected with every no that they had. When we take these moments personally, it gives us a glimpse on how we see ourselves. Your value, your worth. It is not determined by anybody in this world, except for you.

Rejection is a symptom. And we need to understand the stories we are telling about it and ourselves to get more control over it. Learn to look at rejection as an opportunity.

An opportunity to move you away from the things that aren’t meant for you. An opportunity to let you know what skills you need to work on to move towards the things that you desire.

And an opportunity for you to understand how you see yourself. Fear of rejection is a symptom. And so as self-confidence.

And these symptoms are created with how much you value yourself. The more, you have a one the less you have of the other. It is your choice where you want to focus your attention. You can either be the [00:13:00] victim or the hero. You can’t be both.

Thank you for tuning in. If you liked this episode, please go ahead and subscribe. Uh, you can also sign up to get email notifications from me@wwwdottheumbrellastudio.com forward slash podcast. Also, if you’re looking for more information or you’re looking for additional resources, please, please, please feel free to give me a show. You can shoot me a DM on Instagram

 My handle is Trina paper. It’s like toilet paper, but Trina, instead of toilet,

It’s very sophisticated stuff over here. Or you can book a consult call through my website, www.theumbrellastudio.com either way. I would love to hear from you and just connect and talk about ways that I can help.

Also, I do want to let those of, you know, that listen to the show. [00:14:00] Next episode, which will release in two weeks is going to be the last episode of the season. And then I’m going to be taking a short break to reconvene plan out season two, and I will be back shortly. So if you have any requests, if there’s anything that you want to see or hear obviously here, because this is a podcast, you can not see things.

Or maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want YouTube videos. I don’t know. But whatever that is, I want to hear from you. The show is for you. It is not for me. So every piece of feedback matters.

And as always a big thank you to Katie Larrabee for her beautiful artwork and Danielle Polari for her soulful sound for the show.

trina: Until next time, this is Trina Parnell saying love. Fiercely laugh often and live without limits. [00:15:00]